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Big Brother Africa Eats His Victims

By Ernest Bazanye • May 2nd, 2011 • Category: WTH

Yesterday, the first of May, something astounding happened. Big Brother Africa the Sixth Version code named “Amplified” was a real plot and not completely and utterly ignored by everybody who pays attention to these things. When I saw facebook and twitter light up with updates on the topic, I quickly rehashed my earlier stance on the matter. Only a foolish man will never change his mind. I now believe that Big Brother Amplified is initially exciting to people. Here are some canny and relevant observations on the events as they unfolded.

The first housemate to arrive was a woman called Vumba from Zimbabwe. She said a number of words to showhost Eek that amounted to “I’m awesome and I think so.” Either you admire such self-confidence or you are repelled by such barefaced smugness. I was not sure which stance to adopt but the conundrum was quickly pushed aside by the arrival of a Ugandan housemate.

This is most of Was' face on a normal day

Ernest Wasake, who I know personally by the nickname Was, a former Vision Voice presenter and a close personal friend (though if he acts up in the house I will deny him outright and even come to this post to thoroughly delete the aforementioned words) walked in.

Was is a dandy. Was is a poser. Was is one of those people who like the kataalaa. Africa is going to hate Was so much that unless the other housemates are as full of bampaane as him, he might win.

Was is like a Ugandan Lady Gaga. I am saying all this in support of Was.

It was observed that his suit was a poor fit. I can explain that. The man has grown a bit since Sosh, but his suit from that day just stayed the same size.

Other housemates followed. The Botswana chick issued a statement to her fans. Well, they must manufacture a lot of that green stuff in Botswana. We didn’t even get your name and you already think we are your fans?

Botswana

A man named Michael from a country I didn’t get walked up. He spoke in an accent so he not only looked, but also sounded like an American homeless person. He might be from Liberia or Sierra Leone. I hear those countries were made for the American homeless.

Vina Longpet, which sounds deliciously like a marital aid device, was the first housemate to respond intelligently to Eek’s question: “What is your strategy?” Vina Longpet (Heh heh. Long Pet. I swear I am going to copyright this name now and start manufacturing dildos) revealed that she had no strategy. True. You don’t need a strategy to sit. Inside a house. That is locked.

I was watching at a Multichoice-sponsored event at the Sheraton with our MC being the lovely and furiously elegant, the collosally entertaining, the stupendously intelligent Rachel K, who at this point not only revealed that there is going to be another housemate, but also told us her name. I love Rachel K. I urge Ugandans to stop these riots because we cannot afford to have any harm come to this precious flower.

But before the surprise ruined by Rachel K (and, let’s not lie, ruined by us, too. ULK ran a story about thissecond housemate last week, right?) we had a Kenyan named Nick. Nick revealed that his pet peeve was hygiene. I am not sure how that works, given that showering is an integral part of the show. He also revealed that was here to have coitus with somebody. Not in those words of course, but I would urge all housemates not to drop the soap.

After South Africa’s first openly gay housemate was introduced, we saw the Ugandan. It was, as we had so bravely snitched, Sharon Salmon Obsessions. She has nice legs. And they came with her. She spoke to Eek, telling him that her favourite housemate of all time was someone named Goitrainer Caugh-Goer. That fake accent made her legs temporarily less hot.

Kimberly from Zambia came on to inspire Africa to enquire whether people with eyes that far apart can actually see behind their heads.

Another South African chick came on and gave a speech about how awesome the “Strong Black African Man” is. Yes, we are the master race. Heil You. She was followed, probably not immediately, by a Tanzanian girl who described herself as Super super fun. I didn’t get her name. I’m just going to call her Rebecca Black.

Lil Kim apparently has a Nigerian passport, cos how else would she have made it on stage next?

We then had a gentleman from Malawi who appeared dressed in a checkered shirt, with suspenders and those large glasses, in short, dressed like those teenagers you see lounging around Garden City on weekend nights. He said he hates people who cannot take a joke. Which made sense because he was currently wearing one.

These are your BBA Housemates who as you read are probably on your TV being entertaining.