How To Play Baskteball In 12 Steps. Next Time And1 Comes…

By Ernest Bazanye • Jun 21st, 2011 • Category: Columns, Featured Post, How To: The 12-Step Guide

If you had been at the recent And-1 exhibition game at YMCA, you would have noticed how many Ugandans love basketball, and how much they admired the players, and you may have thought to yourself, “My sense of self-worth is very low. I need the constant approval of strangers in order to feel complete as a person. I want to be considered a star. I should learn to play this game.”

Well, you have come to the right place. It’s the Urban Legend 12-Step Guide to Success in Absolutely Everything. Today, How To Play Basketball.

1. You need the right equipment. This means large red balls. Now, I know that joke was very obvious, but I just had to get it out of the way. Don’t sneer, it is there in the constitution of humour writing—you are not allowed to write about sports without attempting a joke about testicles.
   

   You see?

2. You need palms the size of an ordinary man’s foot. The best way to get large hands is genetically, but if this fails, then you must avoid watching Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry will just give you stupid ideas, like making you think if you bang your fist with a hammer it will expand. That does NOT happen in reality (ref: wikipedia) and may actually lead to a great amount of pain instead.
3. If you have little girl handlets, don’t play basketball. Go play Ludo with Barbie dolls. (This point applies to men. If you are a woman, ignore it or it will be sexist).
4. The good news is that you don’t have to be tall to play basketball. In fact, if you are short, this just makes it harder for the tall players to “guard” you. So the next step is don’t worry about your height.
5. Now, you need to know the rules. They include: No travelling, no double-dribble, no backcourt violation, no carrying and if you feel the need for a snack during the game, make sure you first pass the ball to a teammate before you take the box of Nice Biscuits out of your jockstrap.
6. Do not offer your teammates biscuits that you had been storing in your jockstrap. Eugh.
   

   You see!

7. I forgot to mention teammates. In a regulation basketball game, you have to get four other guys to play on your team. You don’t have to pay them, but if you insist, me and three other legends can be convinced.
8. The purpose of the game is to “shoot” the basketball into the “hoop”. The basketball is just made of rubber and air, so a small-calibre weapon can do this if your aim is good.
9. Women find basketball players very sexy, so deodorize thoroughly before and after each game, so that the sex you have does not make the lady too uncomfortable.
10. If you really want to impress the chicks then you should learn how to dunk. Dunking is different from the regular way of scoring. Normal scoring involves throwing the ball and aiming it carefully so that it falls neatly into the little round hoop. In dunking you just go up and put in the ball.
11. Shave your armpits.
12. Go to America to join an NBA team so that you can become obscenely wealthy from endorsement deals and when that happens, remember that I’m the one who taught you everything you know and send me regular cheques. In dollars. Shilling is depreciating now.
    

    Seriously. How the hell do you NOT make ball jokes?

Appreciate The Bad Economy You Ungrateful Little Nankanis

By Maureen Makuba • Jul 28th, 2011 • Category: Politics, Society, Suburbans

Oh you whining, ungrateful lot. When do you ever appreciate anything? Hmmm? WHEN? You complain like a woman married to a broke man who seems to pair the term “sauce” with all things leafy and legumes. Does he not understand that cows, chickens and pigs were made to be eaten? Mbu biringanya. Msssccchhhew. Who tells him you want clear, zit-free skin? There’s also a reason samona was made. Mekako also.

Now that right there, ladies and gentlemen, that right there is what we call an intellectual woman

Moving on. You Ugandans have taken this freedom thing too far. Because they allow you to complain about sensible things like unchanging election results, you now think you can sneak in other grievances. Where are your manners? Oh, wait. You must be the lot that went through school minus caning. Sigh. More work for me. But I will try to teach you, educate and enlighten on the saintly virtue that is compromise. When food prices compete with house construction materials, you compromise and you buy the meat. You can find a free house in Kololo.

Sugar is bad:

Because sugar prices have shot up 5 times the amount in as many months is no reason to pout. Children, sugar gets you fat. Eventually. Our economy is helping us out. If you cut out sugar for the rest of the year, you can lose 5kgs which will provide more room for gluttony come Christmas. See?

All things foreign:

Foreign things are the reason you spoilt kids are suffering at the unseen kick of the economy. We’re throwing them out. Mbu blueband. Just dip your bread in the tea. I know the tea has no sugar. But no blueband + no sugar = 10kgs weight loss. Smile for auntie.

Veggies are good:

Auntie knows you don’t understand how katunkuma has moved from mama’s weed pile to your plate. It’s like this; katunkuma burns cholesterol. And meat has plenty of that. Unnecessary fat. You do want to fit in those barely there dresses, don’t you? And the men? Please. It is time. Bellies are 1999-rated. We prefer tone and muscle. Quit pigging out. Pun intended.

Giving glory:

God made the sun and moon for a reason and you foreign-things-loving people have denied them their power for decades. Now, we must repent. And our beloved government is helping out. No power for…well, a long while. Bright side is you get to relive your granny’s childhood and play with battery-run radios. Now, who ever thought they’d have common history with jajja?

You see? Oba you squint? Whichever. The current situation has a dark, tasteless and unsatisfying appeal. But this is the stuff history is made of.

I knew I’d have you all smiling by the end of this post…err, typing session. Good boys and girls.

What If This Title Made You Read This Article?

By Erique • Jul 28th, 2011 • Category: Society, WTH

This is the only real life discussion you’ll ever get from me so pay close attention. But first, I’m dying so be right back.

That’s better. Now.

Many a time we take the most fundamental things in life for granted. Like after having a nice meal, you forget to walk up to the kind waiter and tell him “Ssebo, nga the bill is delaying”. Or after years of an honest marriage, you forget to appreciate your spouse every once in a while with a new kid from another spouse instead of the same old kids you keep unreasonably putting inside her.

Today, let’s not ignore the most important questions that build us into what we are today. Let’s ask ourselves:

• What if my parents had never met, would my phone still have fallen in water?
• What if all MPs represented us by somersaulting and doing bendover for us?
• Wh t if the letter “ ” w s not there in this sentence?
• What if the eggs I was frying suddenly stood up and asked why I had refused to let them grow into real chickens with a bright future?
• What if pigs were given the freedom to choose what they wanted to be called?
• What if my plate of katogo suddenly became aware of its rights?
• What if there was a stranger out there whose name I didn’t even know?
• What if Red Pepper staff wore nappies during their meetings?

In totally unrelated news:

We can’t fight properly with only two fighter jets. Wamma please buy more, Mister President. The teachers can wait until the economy is big enough to start sustaining people’s needs.

• What if I could transform into my favourite meal every time I was hungry?
• What if I knew the things I know and didn’t know the things I don’t know?
• What if my name really didn’t love me back?
• What if Tamale Mirundi’s brain told him to get his act together before they could become friends again?
• What if I took the time and hid it from all clocks and watches in the world?
• What if boda bodas were actually evil aliens that planned to take over the world by taking us to our destinations and asking for money for it?
• What if all sound on earth went on strike until its problems were heard?
• What if my eyes didn’t have a clue about the weird things I’ve seen in life?
• What if light and darkness stopped acting so childish and started working together?
• What if the fighter jets said no to the president’s sexual advances?
• What if this article ended abruptly withou

Darkness

By Ivan • Jul 29th, 2011 • Category: Movie Of The Month

They took over from production company UEB and brought you worldwide blockbusters like Load Shedding. And now they are back with the much-anticipated, hard-hitting, big budget sequel: Darkness…

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